I swear!

I do! I swear! In fact I swear like the proverbial sailor. Not only that, I have a favorite swear word too – fuck! Now I use this word to articulate a range of emotions like a happy surprise, unhappy surprise, anger, irritation and more. Now I say fuck with total disregard to gender while I use it in a conversation. However, the only consideration I do have is whether  swearing in general makes other people uncomfortable or not. Here is where the rub is. In my experience, on an average, both men and women are uncomfortable in front of a woman who swears. For different reasons, as it seems to me. With men it seems like they are unpleasantly surprised that a woman can swear. Now from my interactions with male friends and acquaintances I know that men swear among themselves as easily as the sky is blue. But a man swearing in front of women or women swearing in each other’s company is fairly uncommon. I have been told, by a few male friends in a manner of paternalistic concern that women should not use such words. For some time I had accepted this as a seemingly logical advise, since women around me don’t swear all that much, and almost never in front of males. Now, given this, I started to exercise my freedom to swear (in an innocuous manner) only in front of women. Here too I found that in many cases, it made them uncomfortable. But it appeared to me that the reason for this discomfort was different from that of men. Now I could be wrong. But since I know many of these women for a longish time and interacted with them with some regular frequency, I will venture my guess as to what was the source of this discomfort.  

I think listening to or speaking out swear words, especially ones with overt or subtle references to sexual activity or sexual organs make women feel like they are taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit. Somehow participating in the use of swear words is related to the “character” of the woman. This is not the case with men; all these women in one way or the other recognized with ease that all men swear. This acceptance is without any questioning. So based on my understanding then I can safely say that the unwritten rule of swearing is this – “Good girls don’t swear.” Hence, whether at an unconscious level or at a deliberate level,  on an average (and i could be very wrong here :))women believe that to be accepted by their peers or superiors (both male/female) respectfully, they have to espouse the image of the good girl. This includes the total ignorance of such words and their meanings, coyness when explained the meaning of such words, a certain pride in not having known them at all and conveying their act of distancing from the swear words and the person who is swearing e through non-verbal gestures.

Now this is interesting. Somehow, there are parts of the very language that we use that has now become divided between those who are born males and the Other. Or, if I put it a bit more strongly, some words seem to be regarded as a natural “property” of males. What happens when I disrespect such proprital attitude towards language and use it as I please? Well, in my experience, most men are always surprised. The point that I am most inarticulately trying to make is this—the power imbalance between men and women does not start at monumental levels. It may start with as little as four alphabets –F-U-C-K.

p.s. generalizations may be akin to a sinister double-edged sword. Therefore, apologies if these generalizations seem pompous. To others this may also be completely inaccurate. I draw from my experiences and bounded understanding alone.

It all began with a question

While wading through various functions of life i have always felt like a "woman". For the same set of natural (physical/ biological) laws and political laws, on an average, the men i know negotiate the world differently from me. right from the language i use, the clothes i wear, the roads i walk, the friends i make, the vehicle i ride, the things i watch, the food i eat,  the things i drink, the air that i breathe. This pervasive difference is something i deal with every day.  Is this difference harmful to me? Is it benign? Or is it helpful to me? I think i am only about beginning to touch the speck on the tip of a giant ice-berg. But let me start my quest to figure out what it means to me to be a woman in the context that surrounds me with a simple question - What is a Woman? Off course after that can of worms has been opened,  other questions follow - Who is a woman? How it is that somebody is called as a woman? More specifically, is the woman in me really the same one as the forces around me see or are they different?

I take these tentative steps, not knowing where exactly i am going, only guided by a deep personal need to understand myself better through questioning, learning and debating.

Starting at the basics then, i looked up the definition of woman. The Cambridge Dictionary defines a woman as "an adult female human being"--clinical and precise with no room for argument. However, many people for the length and breadth of time have ventured for more holistic definitions of Woman. But it was Simone de Beauvoir and her proclamation "one is not born a woman, one becomes one" that really shook things up for me.  I remember reading this sentence and thinking ‘Oh my god! This makes total sense!’ One piece of the jigsaw fell into place. So i tried to think back when did this transformation start? When i was in mid 20's? Maybe in my mid teens? Or early teens when i was entering into puberty? No- it started much before i had the consciousness about my gender. It started when the doctor declared in the labor room "it’s a girl!" (See in ‘Sexual Science: Victorian Construction of Womanhood’ by Cynthia Eagle Russett, 1989). So i was a born a girl. I no longer have my mother to ask what she felt like (apart from the happiness at the birth of a healthy baby) when she had me but going by people around me who had baby girls, i can see a common thread. One which i have felt all my life -- Girls have to be protected. This sounds very noble, but to me it’s a bit like the gilded cage. My parents love me and want to protect me. No doubt. But the "bad things" that could happen to my brother and me have always been different from the moment we stepped out of the house. Off course, realistically speaking, whether my parents agreed or totally disagreed with such social rules, I was, by virtue of being a woman, susceptible to certain specific gendered violence.  

So maybe this is inkling towards the identity that is exogenously selected for me. That is I am a girl, who is susceptible to dangers of rape and molestation, hence I need to be protected. What did this protection mean? For me and all the girlfriends my age, it meant not going to certain places alone, it meant not being able to be out of the house after 7p.m, not talking to male strangers,  to dress modestly so as not to attract rapists and molesters and many more. I learnt to be afraid of dark lonely roads. While growing up, I learnt that being a woman made me vulnerable and I was not equipped to fight such threats. Given this, I don’t blame my parents one bit. They did and still do the best they can, given the world as it appears to them.  Over the years, lonely roads or strange men do not scare me much, but honestly, I have not overcome that fear completely. Along with fear there is another strong emotion, the sense of injustice! Why should I have to live with such a fear in the first place?  But let me not digress, so from the point of view of my parents and other well-wishing adults, the identity I was first and foremost given was that of a  girl needing protection (an antonym of a Protector if you so imagine). I imagine that the original Damsel in Distress is not in living in an ivory tower, she is created every time a girl is born. And somehow, the world in every way possible has been constantly telling me, that in becoming Damsel I become an “acceptable” woman. So what happens if I step outside of that ivory tower. What follows next?